Sarah

I (tentatively) think I'm on track with this dissertation business now. Which is strange 'cause I haven't hit my word target either y*day or today. :s

I think that might be 'cause I didn't take into account the fact that 2,000 of my words would need to be wasted (a.k.a. waffle) on my intro & conclusion, and then another 2,000 for my science section.

So I've currently got over 6,000 words done (think it's just under 7,000), which is v.under my aim - meant to have about 8,500-9,000 done by end of today. However, I'm going to have to do a day in the library for my science section, ick! And then the intro & conclusion as I said are just waffle. Therefore, as long as I do get the whole science section done tomorrow I should be able to sort the rest of it out on thursday. I'll try to do a bit more later, on the current sections I've got...make it flow together a bit better. Then I think I'm going to email Amanda with what I've got for each section now & check if she's got any extra suggestions - still not sure if I should tell her I'm planning on finishing it end of this week, or if that will just scare her (though I'm the one who's bloody petrified!).

But given I've been working on and off all day (and actually properly working for once!) I think I deserve a break. Have only just had my lunch/dinner after snacking on peanut m&ms/Ritz crackers/&cookies all day, and even that I ate while reading through my notes to pull my dissertation together! :p

(was really nice though - I defrosted one of my chilli's overnight & had that with some broccoli thrown in & my ritz crackers to dip with XD)

Been and handed in my assessed essays today!! Thank god they're gone - went through them all one last time this morning & realised they were all crap, but decided the best way to deal was to run & hand them in before I got carried away and tried to re-write them all!

That's the good news of the day so far. Well, that and the fact that I just did a bakery run so am currently high on jam doughnuts & cookies dunked in tea. XD

I've already managed to have one bout of depression today though - that's just how talented I am! :p

Anyway, I saw Justine cycling out of uni today as I was walking up - we were on same side of road & she was just pulling out as I was turning in, so we were really close. Anyway, I was really happy to see her so I gave a massive grin, waved & said hiya (like a spaz). And in reply I got a half lifted hand and grunted hi, as she carried on cycling. :/

Well that upset me 'cause it hammers home exactly how estranged we are now - and I realised today that my behaviour can be traced psychologically to my parents' break-up & my fear of abandonment, which I tried to circumnavigate by trying to reduce my dependence on my friends. Hindsight's a vindictive bitch.

I carried on to my department though, did the hand-in, then saw Dymph on my way out. And I asked her how Justine was - said I'd seen her on my way in & she seemed a bit tired. Dymph didn't look up, just said "yeah, she's been swimming this morning & she's busy with CIS (I think that's what it is; her business course at any rate)". But for some reason it seemed a bit off to me; though that could be me over-analysing 'cause I know that something is wrong.

After I left Dymph I txt'd Justine, and said: "r u okay? u seemed a bit tired earlier. I'm trying to fini my dissertation this week, if I manage wud you be up for lunch or something at weekend?"

That was about 2 hours ago now & she still hasn't replied. And she never replied to the txt I sent about a week or so ago saying "hi, how r u? don't know how it happened but just realised we've barely spoken this term! hope you're not too stressed out with essays".

So me thinks she is well and truly pissed off at me. I don't want to ring her though - I'm crap at being blunt on the phone, & I think it'd take some proper blunt discussion to sort this out. But she's not replying to my txts, and she didn't reply to a group invite I issued on fb - so while I think she would show up to an event it's still a bit potluck-ey, and even if she did I don't think I could talk to her properly at one. Shit I'm such a fuck-up.

Oh & Happy B*Day aicha, we never talk now, but I think you're one of my longest-lasting friendships! Hope you have a great day!

I'm so screwed!

Just got back from my meeting with my supervisor, and actually it wasn't too bad - didn't get told off for changing my mind (again), and she just read through my notes (which were basically bullet points of what I've written so far, but she probably took them as brainstorming), and then suggested some more books I should read.

She also warned me to make sure my project actually says something at the end of it, and that this matches my conclusion - apparently a few students last year crashed on their project essay because at the end it didn't match what they said they'd set out to study. :/ Good thing I haven't yet written my introduction!

What did strike me though, was that there is no physical way I can get this finished before I'm meant to be going home. I just don't think it's possible. Not if I want to get a good mark on it, which I really need now that I've given my assessed essays up for being crap.

And to top that off I walked in on Steph & Lianne talking about me in the kitchen when I got home.

I assume they were talking about me anyway; it was one of those moments where people go suspiciously silent once you walk in the room. I didn't even notice it to begin with, but then Steph asked me how my meeting went & when I just said there's no way I can finish it in time neither of them said anything. Plus, I'd bought some cereal and milk on my way home, and as I was turning around to put stuff away I kept seeing Steph looking towards Lianne, who hadn't even said hi to me.

Then, when I'd finished putting it away (which took oh-so long *sarcasm*) I was stood with my back to the fridge facing both of them (Lianne was stood by counter, eating, with her back to me; and Steph was sat at table eating grapes), but instead of starting a conversation they both ducked their heads down and started reading through the notes they each had with them. I waited a beat, took a glug of my drink, then left the room, and as soon as I left I heard the two of them start talking together.

And finally, the postman dropped off a letter just after I'd got in my room, I heard Steph say "oh it's for Sarah, sorry Lianne I know you wanted something". Then Lianne came upstairs saying bye to Steph, and then I'm not sure if Steph came upstairs or not, but one of them slid the letter under my door. Wtf?!

I am seriously confused. The only thing I can think of that they could have been bitching about me is to do with Sam. She's not back yet 'cause she got hit in the face by an emergency light or something - some big metal thing fell down & smacked her basically. And funnily enough I'm glad she's not back. Also funnily enough, I found it quite funny to hear that this had happened.

I found out on fb that it had happened (she tagged me on a note she'd written about it - letting people know the whole sorry affair), but I pretended I hadn't read the note 'cause there's no way I'm going to suddenly act all concerned about her when I think it's pretty clear I can't stand the girl anymore. So I just left it alone.

Then Sam rang the house to let us know why she wasn't back yet, and Steph told me. I asked all the usual questions, 'what?!', 'how?', 'what's a security light?', and it was fine.

A couple of days passed and she still wasn't back, and she rang again to let us know she was going to be back even later 'cause she's got a concussion. Steph told me after I'd come back from a day in the library, fair enough, but then Steph kept looking at me, so I chuckled.

Obviously I didn't mean it in a mean way, and I don't even find it funny - though the accident does sound ridiculous - but Steph knows how I feel about Sam, and she kept looking at me like she was expecting some gushing concern, or, laughter, and so I think that's why I sniggered.

I really think that's a natural reaction to that kind of news though - especially when you can't see the person so all you know about their injuries is what you've heard. And I think the only reason Steph and Lianne were so disapproving is 'cause they know that I don't like her, and so they construed it be more callous than I actually feel.

Sam's making it hard for me to feel sorry for her though; she's done another note on fb, and this time explicitly asks people to send her sympathy flowers, on the promise that it will grant them the title of BFF forever. Whoopee.

I'm not even sure that's what's wrong with Lianne & Steph, but it's all I can think of; and to be fair I think it's a reasonable assumption.

I really want to go home.

I'm having a bit of a flag today. Have been working full days for so long now I've forgotten what it feels like to have a day off! Y*day was meant to be my day to go through all my assessed essays and get them all edited & referenced. Well I was in the library from 10-5, didn't have a lunch break, got through them all...but there are still some parts where I couldn't find references, and the end of my h,m&m essay hasn't been written yet. :/

Got home last night, had tea, then tried to write my references up. Took me 3 hours to get one half done! :/ So I went to bed at about 10:30, got up at 7:30 today & got stuck in. Had a bit of a break at 10 when a letting agent came to look at the house, then went back to it. Finally had the references mostly done by 12ish (but there are a few where I can't find the origins of them, so I'll have to go to the library and trawl through the books), and then I spent the last hour staring at h,m&m & trying to write some more.

I can bash out a conclusion easily, but my problem is that I'm still 500 words done on the minimum part of the word limit - don't want to go searching for another point to bring into the main of the essay; would take ages to find, then write, then ref, then add to conclusion. But equally I don't think I can drag the conclusion out for another page.

So I've been looking over my project essay, and miraculously I ended last week only 500 words down on my target for the week! :)

I emailed my supervisor my new idea on sunday, but she hasn't gotten back to me about it yet which is worrying.

So I figure I should probably do at least the extra 500 today. I'm already going to be running over into next week at this rate, unless I miraculously pull 3,000 word out of the bag by thursday (which would be 500 more than I was at that time last week). Hmm...might be doable with 2 full days in the library (it's open from 8:30am to 12am again now).

Think I'm going to aim for that. Today will do extra 500, maybe structure my sections a bit better. Ooh, and I'm going to make tons of chilli & freeze about 3 portions of the stuff!

Gonna just leave h,m&m for now I think. I really can't be arsed with the library today, so might as well take it along with me when I go in for a full day tomorrow & then I can check all the dodgy references I found today as well. Joy.

I tentatively had my dissertation idea. :)

I'm trying not to get my hopes up too much about it, 'cause I still haven't done a full essay plan for it, and I also haven't emailed my supervisor, so she could still say I can't do it.

Didn't stop me from having hysterics last night when I came up with the idea!

I ran downstairs and barged in on Steph to tell her my idea & do a happy dance, and then she completely crashed my mood by telling me she only has 18 days to finish her dissertation in...and given how early I'm trying to get mine done by I have even less than that - and she's been doing her dissertation since last summer! :/ So not quite sure how I'm going to get it all done in 2 weeks, but I really need to!

Anyway, my idea is....

Sociology as a discipline, and how some areas are harder to study than others - i.e. why in some areas it is harder to get theories and work accepted by academic peers.

It sounds massive, and v.random, but I spent y*day reading about stupid science, and how it's being suggested by people who study science that the discipline needs to move away from the traditional view of SCIENCE (i.e. objective, detached) towards RESEARCH (i.e. connected and curious) - and then it hit me that most of the problems I've been writing about in my other modules, are due to the fact that the research isn't considered scientific enough. Which for a 'social science' is plain ridiculous!

It's always seemed to me that the strength of sociology is that it's not afraid to postulate theories as to why something is the way it is, and yet in anomalous human experiences, consciousness, and humans & other animals (and probably other areas too, but these are the ones I've done), the academics almost seem afraid to do this.

So I've got my main idea - which is that in certain areas of sociology there is driving desire for a rigorous scientific method. And I've even got a potential idea as to why that is; the 3 areas I'm looking at all seem similar in that they're focused on very individual and personal phenomena.

With anomalous experiences the struggle there has been to determine both the worth of a person's statement (quite hard, given the generally accepted notion that even if they are 'telling the truth' it is equally possible that they have been misled themselves), and subsequently how to study something which can only really be experienced by one person.

Consciousness follows on from this almost, as it deals with an individual's state of being; their awareness of being aware, and what this can tell us about our experience of being human. Again though, this is dealing with things which are intrinsically tied to the individual, and forms of study for this area basically revolve around asking the individual to analyse their own mental state and functions.

Animals are mainly being studied with a view as to whether or not they are deserving of status in the 'moral community' - a question which depends on precisely how different their thoughts and ability to feel emotions/pain, differ from humans. Here the problem is two-fold, as we cannot know how an animal thinks, but equally what is assumed is that humans all think & feel the same.


Anyway, that's just briefly why I've chosen those 3 to study, and it's still a bit wishy-washy right now.

Today the plan is to do a full essay plan, and see if I can start reading based on the books I've got here at the mo. I want to get my plan emailed to my supervisor today, but equally I don't want to email her anything until it's fully fleshed-out. I don't want her to dismiss it because it's a crappy plan.

So ideally I'll have done a good overall plan, and then outlined the first chapter in detail - a.k.a. started writing it.

Right! Off to work I guess.

2 cups of coffee at 4:30am do funny things to my brain! Once cup of coffee makes me feel high, and 2 cups of coffee makes me so high I don't even notice I'm high for hours...and then I feel sick. :/

I have no self-restraint though; it just tastes too good!

So yeah, work went by in a coffee-induced state of happiness (also compounded by fact that on my way to work I bumped into 2 people I know - 1 was a really old school friend, who did a drunken catch-up with me, which involved 3 hugs and 2 high-fives; and the 2nd was a uni friend who I also bumped into last week).

Was a bit concerned/p'ed-off/stumped by the fact that the crappy note I left my new boss y*day had been crumpled and left on the side. He hadn't put it in the tied bin bag in front of the counter, but he had scrunched it up with some forms from a delivery - I think they were tallies of how many sandwiches had been returned from the garages from friday. But he hadn't left a note in reply or anything, so I'm not sure if he thought my note was stupid (like it was), thought it was superfluous, or just doesn't care enough to make some form of contact. Which is really frustrating 'cause I don't know if I need to contact him about the fact that I've handed in my notice. I mean, Chris should have told him, in which case the lack of concern over meeting me makes sense 'cause I'm technically working out my notice right now. But I'm not sure if Chris did tell him; I did write in the book when the last week I could work was, and put 'SARAH'S LAST SHIFT', but I don't know if he'll have checked it & I'm all conflicted.

As can probably tell by the crapness of y*day's note, I have no idea how to communicate in notes, or txts, or via phone or email - don't know if I'm just too blunt, or don't use enough small hand or something, but I always think whatever I've put sounds idiotic. And given the fact that this is quitting I'm trying to talk to him about...and he probably already knows anyway, I'm really hesitant to try to bring it up. :s

I know I had a whole schedule to stick to today, but with all the coffee, E4, and, well...me! I've just pretty much had the day off instead. Lianne's just got home now too, so she's moving all her stuff back in with her parents' help.

Still, I'm going to move on to my dissertation tomorrow, and then I've got another 2 weeks before the hand-in deadline, so I'm going to do what I meant to do today the friday before. I was already thinking in my head that I'd be going over it again anyway, but maybe this way it'll be easier for me to just print it off and hand it in? I seem to be having some kind of empty-nest syndrome for these essays...just don't want to finish them.

At least this way I won't be cutting into my dissertation time any more than I already have. :/

Okay I am officially behind schedule now!

Didn't manage to get past my essay-block at all y*day, and spent most of my day just staring at the Word document hoping it would type itself.

Then I had a bit of a scare 'cause Word crashed. It realised it was crashing and tried to autosave what it could, but then it crashed in the middle of that. So I was a bit worried I'd lost the entire essay, but I yanked out the USB, closed down Word, and when I re-opened everything my essay was fine. So it's probably a good thing I hadn't written anything new, 'cause I'd've lost that, and I think the frustration of it would probably have killed me!

Today I am turning to food for comfort and making Taco Soup tonight. I'm always a bit wary of leftovers, so I'm cooking it for me & Steph & she's contributing the tomato-ey stuff and the kidney beans.

This week I meant to start reading for my dissertation - me being optimistic about my own work-ability again - but as you can probably tell I haven't gotten started yet. And given the fact that I'm now behind on my schedule I think I'm going to ignore the dissertation completely for now, cram in these two essays this week (somehow), and then take 2 days at the beginning of next week to read and write my dissertation plan. Even if it's not fully formed after that I'll need to start on some chapters. My normal pattern for writing is to do as many ideas as I can think of around the essay question, then I'll go back and properly link them to the question and try to get a flow going throughout the essay, and then I'll go back again, refine it all & reference it. If I can't find a useful reference for something then I re-work it so that parts cut out, or re-worded so it's speculatory and doesn't need a ref. So even if I don't have my dissertation question completely sorted after 2 days I can still start writing around the topic in general.

Anyway, today I'm going to write as much as I can on this essay, and even if it's not finished I'm going to close it at 4pm, do the library swap, pick up some ingredients for dinner, make dinner, and then open up H&OA and see how much work needs doing on it.

Now let's see how disciplined I can force myself to be!

Haven't succeeded! :(

I got a complete mental block and gave up about 2 hours ago - then I made some cookies & just ate half the batch while watching the most ridiculous film ever!

I'm not going to say what film it was & give it away, but I will say why it was so ridiculous...

( here be mad plot-ness )

This kind of ridiculous was the whole way through, and yet I still managed to cry my eyes out! *rolls eyes at self*

Anyway, gonna get an early start tomorrow & now I'm aiming to have the essay done by afternoon (5pm at latest). I don't mind if I haven't got everything ref'd neatly or done final edits, 'cause I'm planning on doing that to all 3 nearer the hand-in deadline. I just really want to get this one shoveled aside so I can tackle the harder H&OA, which I really need to have done by end of the week. So, yeah, tomorrow is finishing this one (I'm about 1/3 or 1/2 way through at mo & I only got myself working at 1pm), and getting to the library before it shuts at 6 so I can swap my books!

Think I've managed to upset Steph. Was at work this morning, and then stayed on an extra 3 hours helping Chris clean the entire store (for extra money of course), and then I had to go shopping for my mum*s b*day, plus two friends, and go do some food shopping on my way home. Oh yeah, and I also had to go to the bank. So I didn't get back 'til 12:30ish.

Anyway, a woman wanted to look at the house this morning & I asked Steph if she could do the guide-ey bit (estate agents were too busy to do it like they normally do, and I was going to be at work), and she said sure.

But when I got home from work she was all hyped up on cold medicine and took it upon herself to recount all the comments they'd made on the house, and then she went on to put herself in the other person's shoes & started commenting on the good qualities of the house herself. And I was in grunt mode.

Still, that didn't seem to phase her much, and I carried on putting my groceries away, but then it came to the minced lamb.

So there I am with my two plastic bags, trying to split the stuff in half & it's being awkward. Steph comes over to help, and starts holding the bag open for me, and stuffing some of the mince in when it escaped. And then she tried to show me how I could do it easier - turning bag inside out and putting my hand inside, then just picking up the mince & reversing the bag.

All really nice, and perfectly reasonable things for her to do. But she's got a cold!!! And she didn't wash her hands before coming over and fondling my meat, and knowing what she's like when she's ill I just know she's been coughing and sneezing into her hands all morning! -_-

So I told her not to touch the meat 'cause I knew how I wanted to divide it & she muddling it up, and the I batted her hands away from the bags - I did it playfully even!! - and she finally got in a huff about my behaviour and walked out the kitchen, saying "god, you're so touchy today!". I know she was def a bit upset, 'cause when I went into her room a min later she was doing some brilliant blank-faced, monosyllabic responses.

Feel a bit bad, but I don't see how I could've protected the meat otherwise - she's already contaminated the ice-cream, I'm going to be damned if I let her germs keep me away from my mince too!

I intended to launch into my H,M&M essay today - already printed off what I've already done y*day and went over it; looks like I've got 6 pages of useable stuff, only another 6 to go! I'm really physically tired though, my boss had me doing squats all morning. Cupboards, skirting boards, doors...at one point I even spent half an hour crouched under a counter scrubbing at the back board running the length of the till & coffee machine station. :/ So even though it was only 3 hours extra work, I feel like I used to after one of my Hartleys & Starbucks work days. :/ So, yeah, having trouble doing more than just going to sleep at the mo!lol

I was going to let myself have the weekend off, so I guess if I make friday & saturday my days off, that's okay. I tend to stay up uber late on sunday so my early nights on fri & sat don't carry on into the week, so even if I can't bring myself to do essay work as soon as I get home, I have enough time to talk myself 'round. :)

I'm just onto page 10, it's taken me 2 hours to get through page 9, and that was in more order than this one. :(

Absolutely have to finish this essay tonight though, so I'm determined not to go to bed 'til it's done.

Think I'm going to do my health, medicine and media essay next - it's the best out of the two I've got left, so I'm hoping it won't take as long, and I'll be able to catch some time up on it. Also need to start my dissertation reading; from sound of it everyone's on the ball with theirs & I still don't know if I can do this topic...still don't have my question properly formulated! :/

So end of next week I need to have got my dissertation question sorted, so I think I'll spend my evenings mornings doing reading for it, and then on friday I can form the essay and the structure. And I also want to have H,M&M essay done, and Humans & Other Animals at least started on. *wilts*

I'm really glad Steph's the only other housemate home right now though - she's got even more work on than me & she's properly slogging away every day, which makes nice & distraction-less for us both.

Really, really, can't wait for work at the weekend - it's going to be knackering, but I can't wait for a break from all this essaying & a chance to get out the house!

I'm going to the lib tomorrow to do my book swap over, and it'll be interesting to see how jelly-esque my legs are!

Anyway, more essaying now.